When communication breaks down between you and your partner, whether due to disagreement, emotional distancing, or occurrences such as separation and divorce, the emotional impact of these events can feel amplified.
When communication becomes strained or breaks down completely, this is known as stonewalling. Whether intentional or not, stonewalling can have a devastating effect on all involved parties and may create an even further divide and build animosity between both members of the relationship.
At Brown Turner Ross, we have seen the impact of stonewalling on families and couples, and we understand the value of being able to understand it, recognise it and face it head-on.
In this blog, we will provide examples of stonewalling and offer advice on how to respond to it when it occurs.
What is Stonewalling?
Stonewalling is a form of emotional withdrawal, usually occurring when one person refuses to communicate with another. They essentially create a wall of silence between themselves and the other person, leaving no space for conversation or addressing any problems the parties may have.
Stonewalling can manifest in a variety of ways, ranging from silent treatment to dismissal and belittling. This belittling can take many forms, ranging from disregarding another’s feelings to accusing them of overreacting.
Why Might Someone Engage in Stonewalling?
Ultimately, stonewalling is an act of control. Stonewalling is often used as a tactic to control or manipulate the other person, preventing either party from gaining control and understanding of a situation and working towards a resolution.
Another reason why someone may stonewall is to avoid conflict due to feeling overwhelmed or, as a form of self-protection, finding it easier to avoid difficult conversations rather than face them.
For someone with a history of family conflict, stonewalling may be a learned behaviour. The risk of this is why we frequently recommend family mediation to our family law clients, as it can help their children develop healthier coping mechanisms for difficult situations or conflict as they age.
People who engage in stonewalling may also simply lack the emotional regulation skills required to have difficult conversations, so shutting down may feel easier for them.
The Two Types of Stonewalling
Stonewalling is a complex behaviour that can manifest in two distinct forms, each driven by different motivations. Understanding these types can provide insight into the dynamics of communication and conflict resolution.
Unintentional stonewalling
This occurs when the person is acting from learned behaviours to deal with sensitive subjects.
They will dismiss difficult conversations and tough situations because they don’t know how else to deal with them other than to be silent.
This is a behaviour that is often learned from parents and, though unintentional, can still have an impact on the other party and make it harder to come to a resolution. If you are currently experiencing unintentional stonewalling and require additional support, we recommend exploring our family mediation service.
Mediation provides the person unintentionally stonewalling the right platform and guidance to express how they feel about a situation, and can be beneficial for all involved.
Intentional stonewalling
Intentional stonewalling is the deliberate act of obstructing or refusing to engage in communication, often used as a tactic to manipulate a situation to one’s advantage.
This behaviour can manifest in various forms, such as avoidance, silence, or evasive responses, and is typically employed to gain control or influence the outcome of a discussion or negotiation.
Because the individual is aware of their behaviour in this type of stonewalling, it can become more challenging to overcome it.
What is Stonewalling in a Relationship?
In relationships, effective communication is essential. Unfortunately, stonewalling may be employed to punish someone when one feels a sense of injustice or grievance.
Sometimes relationships between people break down for many reasons, and this is often because of unintentional stonewalling. This could happen if one person in the relationship doesn’t communicate their feelings properly because they don’t know how.
At times, relationships may face challenges that lead to a breakdown in communication, resulting in behaviours such as stonewalling. Stonewalling can be employed as a strategy for exerting control within a toxic relationship. Understanding these dynamics is essential for addressing and resolving issues that may arise in interpersonal connections.
Stonewalling does not solve any of the relationship problems, and it should be addressed if both parties want to move forward.
Common Stonewalling Examples
When you are living through stonewalling, it can be difficult to identify when it is happening and more often than not, people will continue to stay in situations where they are being stonewalled. It is essential to recognise stonewalling and address it directly. Here are some signs of stonewalling to look out for:
- Your partner is deliberately ignoring you, even after you have made several attempts to reach out.
- Your partner is changing the subject when serious conversations arise.
- Repeatedly refusing to respond to your questions without good reason and without consideration of your feelings.
- Constantly and continuing to engage in dismissive body language.
- Passive-aggressive behaviour
- Denying stonewalling behaviour.
- Being patronising, especially when you say something.
- Refusing to take responsibility.
If you feel as though you are currently experiencing stonewalling, it is recommended that you look out for these telltale signs and turn to a friend or family member for support if you spot them.
Why is Stonewalling Unhealthy?
Stonewalling is unhealthy for a range of reasons. It can severely harm relationships and create an uncomfortable power imbalance, which can often be challenging to fix. Relationships require open communication to survive, and stonewalling completely stifles this.
Stonewalling can also teach unhealthy behaviours to all involved parties, especially if the relationship where it is happening has children involved. If children see their parents engaging in stonewalling, they may pick up the same behaviours.
Stonewalling can also cause long-term damage, both to the relationship of those involved and the mental health of the victim of stonewalling.
What is the Effect on the Person Being Stonewalled?
When individuals encounter stonewalling, they often face a range of negative emotions. Common feelings associated with this experience include helplessness, powerlessness, and a sense of unworthiness. These emotions can significantly impact one’s mental well-being and overall sense of self.
Your self-esteem may suffer, leaving you feeling stuck. These emotions are normal, which is why stonewalling often becomes a major obstacle to resolving issues.
Because of the long-lasting effects that stonewalling can have on your mental health, it is important to address it when possible.
How to Respond to Stonewalling
As we discussed, stonewalling can greatly hinder progress in advancing situations between two parties. However, there are steps you can take to address stonewalling and move past it. The essential part is to identify when stonewalling is happening and evaluate how the relationship has reached this stage.
You need to focus on the reasons why someone may be stonewalling you and assess what their intentions and objectives may be.
After evaluating someone’s intentions, it’s important to use your communication skills to engage in constructive dialogues with the other party. While this may be challenging, persistence and an open mindset can lead to success.
We recommend that you seek the help of a therapist or counsellor if you need it to help develop your communication skills and confidence, as they will be able to provide you with the necessary guidance.
Taking Control With Brown Turner Ross
Ultimately, when stonewalling occurs in a marriage, divorce often follows. Separation is often the best way to regain control of your circumstances and provides you with a window to move forward.
Though necessary, divorce is not without its complications. When going through a divorce, it is recommended that you turn to the help of a solicitor with experience in family law, as they can give you the necessary guidance and protect your best interests.
At Brown Turner Ross, we specialise in divorce law and have helped countless couples navigate the complexities of divorce. If you need representation or support, contact us today. We’re ready to secure the best outcome for you.